Ask Your Tango: Friends with Benefits

Friends with benfits


Published on September 10, 2013 by jpinklove6001: I feel like walking out and ending everything between me and my friend with benefit because he seem to slow being not care about me and my feeling. I did not care him sleep with other people at first I realize now I hate him tell people thing about me and him and then I have to hear about other girl all the time and in three years. He is dramatic about me not answer his call all the time. ask me whom I am with all the time and get mad if I him a question about anything. what me just being friends. I can even say hello with a problem.


Hello Friends with Benefits,

Please know that when you have this type of arrangement there are rules you bot h must follow! Now, usually one will err on the rules, but guess what? That goes with the arrangement! First of all, you both define yourselves as friends, then you offer most likely sexual benefits! Each of you have your own reason for being in this type of contract and feel the arrangement has some safety and maybe It’s to hold you over until the right person comes along. Don’t be fooled because there are emotional risks, let alone other risk in this contract! For now, let’s just focus on the emotional risks. Although you label this as “friends with benefits ” the “friend” idea is only relevant to the benefit. If it is a sexual benefit, that’s where the friendship starts and ends. After that and in between time, you cannot expect your “friend” to be the kind of friend you qualify as a real friend that commitment is truly honored and enjoyed because there’s safety in the intimacy of a real friend. The only commitment you have from a friend with benefits is in the BENEFIT, nothing more or less. What happens is you expect this benefit friend to carry friend loyalties in others areas and that’s how you get disappointed or heart broken. Emotionally you become more vulnerable than you ever intended. You place unrealistic expectations on the benefits friend and when he/she does not come through, you get frustrated, annoyed, hurt or angry.

Be very clear about your contract with the “benefits friend” and do not expect anything more than the benefit because that is the only obligation you and the “friend” have to each other. If you don’t have the benefit, then the friendship is technically over because you have something that isn’t real anymore.

Dr. Cynthia Chestnut, Relationship Expert, The Center for Couple and Family Life Services, “A healthy Relationship is My Business”

Source: Your Tango